Step 1: If

"If": proof that glorious things can come in very small packages. Think of all the wonder wrapped up in this tiny, two-letter word. Imagination takes flight, dreams come to be, and chances of a lifetime are taken by its mere utterance. On his blog, Chris Brogan asked his readers to consider the three words of 2010 that they would use to shape their 2010 plans. “If” is my selection because of the great possibility it invokes.

"If" describes the abilities that make us successful in the truest sense of the word, in terms of the deepest and dearest meaning it has. What abilities allow us to live a life of great virtue? What abilities will make every possibility an option for us? "If" is the gateway to the answers.

"If-" is the title of one of my favorite poems by Rudyard Kipling, and one of my favorite lines of the poem asks us to “start again at your beginnings”. Today begins a new decade, and so it’s only natural for us to look back and remember where we began the last one. A few days after January 1, 2000, I took off for my first theatre tour. Previously, I had been working in a tiny theatre box office, and I needed to break out of it. The contract for the tour was only for four months and the pay was less than I made at the box office. I didn’t care; I needed the adventure.

And so began a decade that would lead me to travel around the globe, fulfill my dream of managing Broadway shows, and then send me back to school to take on the complex world of hard-nosed business. I became a published writer, and through that writing found my truest voice. I found yoga as a balm for my old soul, fell in love countless times, and learned to trust my own instincts above all others. In the decade that began with the year 2000, I discovered how I could make a meaningful contribution to humanity that would live on long after I am gone.

At the end of the decade, I was getting a bit too comfortable. I had gotten set in my new ways and lost sight of the adventure that called to me so clearly at the start of 2000. I too often trusted the opinions and instincts of others. And so, the world decided that a cleansing was necessary, a cleansing that would make it impossible for me to rest on my laurels by taking away the laurels altogether. In Kipling’s audacious terms, I was forced to start again at my beginnings.
Today, in this hour, at this moment, I am choosing to begin again using a map of “If, then” statements. It is a long and winding road, filled with imagination and dreams, a tortuous tangle of stunning possibility and hope. Cheers to the beginning of a very good year, and a very good decade!

My Year of Hopefulness - Your One Wild and Precious Life

Long a mainstay of college admissions processes and orientations, I recently heard about the poem The Summer Day by Mary Oliver. (I've pasted it at the bottom of this post.) My sister, Weez, tells me that it is my great hope in life to be employed as a professional student. She's right.

I am a sucker for places that make us dream big, that push us beyond our limits, that stretch our imaginations and minds in ways that we never thought possible. I am a forever student, very much at home in the classroom wherever that classroom happens to be, whether I am up front teaching or happily seated in the front row soaking up all that glorious information like a sponge. So of course the big questions are my very favorites, and Mary Oliver hits on what may be my favorite question yet: "What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" Isn't that gorgeous? Makes me want to print it out 1,000 times and plaster it all over my neighborhood.

This week I have had new options unfolding for me every day. Just when I think I am set upon a course of action, some other wonderful possibility falls into my path to consider. I think I'm being tested (which is fine by me since students love tests.) I think I'm being shown a way to focus on exactly what field in life gets me most excited, education, and then also being offered a myriad of distractions that are testing my passion for it. Mary Oliver's question is like a beacon in the haze. What if we looked at every option that's thrown our way, what if we considered every road before us with this lens. What if we made choices by asking "is this what you want to do with your one wild and precious life (knowing that our lives are so short)?"

The very thought of this takes my breathe away. Our lives are so short. We have such little time here, making every day a wild and precious thing. So here is my answer to Mary Oliver, no matter how many days I have left:

To write courageously and passionately so that it stirs the hearts and imaginations of others

To give children every where the chances that I had to improve my own lot in life through education, dedication, and very hard work

To lift others up as I rise

To generate more kindness, compassion, and generosity in the world

To take these two wild and precious hands and build things that have value and meaning, for me and for many others

To travel far and wide, to experience other cultures, to see new scenery, to meet as many citizens of the world as possible

And, yes, every day I want to be both a teacher and a student

The Summer Day

by Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

The image above is not my own. It can be found here.

My Year of Hopefulness - Make Big Decisions Real

"A problem well defined is half solved." ~ John Dewey

Just when you think you have it all figured out life does something very funny - it changes everything on us. We get thrown an option that we never even imagined as a possibility. This recently happened to me while I was in the middle of making a very big decision. I thought I just had to choose between A and B, A being far superior to B, so superior that it didn't even seem like a choice at all. Enter choice C, a real choice. Houston, we now have a big decision to make and this one is not easy.

I've got several mechanisms for deciding between options. I'm a fan of the pro con lists. I like talking to lots of different people and getting their perspectives on what they'd do if they were me. I've also been known to just wait and see in silence until some helpful piece of info emerges. This latest decision is a bit more complicated. B and C are actually equally great options. I'd be lucky to have the opportunity to pursue either avenue. Now it looks like I'll have the chance to choice, and they will lead me in wildly different, happy directions. This is the classic case of two roads diverged in a yellow wood.

For inspiration in my decision-making, I was reading through some of my books this weekend and came across a few books by ?WhatIf! Innovation. In How to Have Kick-Ass Ideas, Chris Baréz-Brown talks about the very personal decision-making he and his wife went through when they were deciding whether or not to have children. To make their choice, they decided to live their life for a week as if they had decided to not have kids. This helped them live their through the lens of that decision, sort of like a test-drive of a car. After that week they re-evaluated their choice to see if it felt right.

Chris's method is vastly superior than my pro con lists and asking 100 different people what they would do. His method makes the choice more personal and lets us experience some of the consequences that hit us shortly after we make a choice. In truth, I'm a little scared of this process and I'm going for it anyway. I've recently noticed that one of my areas of personal improvement is to see the downside of a situation as clearly as I see the upside. Chris's process will allow me to not only see the downside, but experience it. It brings a certain reality to the situation. If tough decisions need anything at all, it's a healthy dose of reality. I'll let you know what I find in a week!

If you've never read Chris's book, I highly recommend it. It's a perfect, inspiring read for anyone at a crossroads looking for guidance from one of the world's leading creative minds. Get it here.

My Year of Hopefulness - The future's arrived

"The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet." ~ William Gibson, author of Neuromancer

The future is a funny thing. It can surprise us. It can frighten us and delight us. When it unfolds, we understand its logic though in the moment it seems to completely confuse us. It's true of the larger world's future and of our own personal futures, too.

As Weez, Lorelei, and I were heading to the Glass Garden at the Rusk Institute today, I was telling them about my plans for school and work and every other aspect of my life that I could think of for the foreseeable future. It all seemed to make so much sense, even though only several weeks ago nothing really seemed to make sense at all. It seems that so much is falling into place, as if I had these little pieces and the slots they fit into all along; I just wasn't sure how to configure them until now.

When I think about the next year of my life, all of my projects seem to be falling into the time line in a startling beautiful pattern. It's as if the future is already here, that it has been here for some time. It just took me a while to see it for myself. A few things in my life needed to be cleared away, things that were distracting me. At the time, I didn't even know those things were distractions. I didn't even know that they needed to go but the world knew. My future knew what I needed to keep moving forward.

Lately my body has gotten into the unfortunate habit of waking up at 4am on the nose every morning so I try to make that time useful. When this happens, I stare out the window at the water towers. I have a glass of milk. Some times I do some easy yoga poses and I think about my future. I try to think of an image that calms me down and lulls me back to sleep.

Recently, I've been imagining myself as a high diver in the form of a Maxfield Parrish painting. I face this beautiful forest as I stand at the very edge of a cliff. I raise my arms and face up to the sun, I bend my knees, and I jump. Rather than falling to the Earth, the wind catches me and I float under a sky of beautiful colors. I've been thinking of the forest as all of the experiences I've had to date and the beautiful colors of the sky as my future. Those colors have yet to fully take shape, though their very beginnings have certainly arrived.

The painting above depicts "Mountain Ecstasy" by Maxfield Parrish.

My Year of Hopefulness - Standing on the Hinge

"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." ~ Victor Frankl

I just finished the book Here If You Need Me, a brilliant memoir by Kate Braestrup. Kate is a writer who became a minster shortly after her husband's death. Being a minister wasn't her dream; it was her late husband's dream and because he didn't get the chance to achieve that, she offered up her own vocation for him. She is the chaplain to the game wardens of Maine, the group of brave public servants who conduct searches for people who are lost in the deep Maine woods, the person who falls through the ice, the hiker who ventures too far for too long. Their work can be dangerous and frequently ends with a tragic discovery. They need a good chaplain and they have a superb one in Kate.

The book is a fast, inspiring read. Of all the anecdotes that stand out in my mind, the most vivid in my mind is her description of her job as standing on the hinge of life. Kate is the one who waits with the families as the game wardens search for their loved ones that are lost or missing. She counsels the wardens after tragic circumstances are discovered. She stands with them in these uncomfortable, difficult moments that will come to define their lives. These are the moments that define their befores and afters.

All through the book I kept thinking about this metaphor, this hinge of life. I kept thinking about how many hinges I've been on lately. These moments that define my own befores and afters. Each one presents an opportunity for choice - we get to choose our attitude, our way forward, our outlook, and the learnings we take away from each experience.

September 2009 could have left a very deep scar on my heart. Instead, I had to make it a time of great learning and exploration. I had to make those days count by allowing them to teach me what's truly important to me. They became a time of great commitment for me. Instead of being wracked by fear, I realized that I had nothing to fear because I knew I would be fine no matter what happened from here on out. I survived the perfect storm.

September was one big hinge for me and gave me the chance to recognize quite literally that the important things in life aren't things. It taught me that I want very deep, meaningful relationships to be the core of my life. I set myself on a course to eventually write full-time. New York most certainly became my long-time home. On October 1st, I knew with certainty what I wanted from my life with a clarity I've never had before. And it feels great.

Hinges are difficult. They are filled with great expectations and great hesitancy. They are points of no turning back. Unless we're people like Kate, we only get a few opportunities to stand at the hinge of our own lives. Life doesn't offer up learnings and choices of that type of poignancy every day. And thank goodness because they can be incredibly stressful times. Though when we get the chance to stand at the edge of our lives and decide in a very profound way who we are and who we mean to be, it's an opportunity we should approach with a grateful and open heart. After all, we will not be able to pass this way again.

My Year of Hopefulness - When Choice and Logic Meet

"We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same." ~ Carlos Castaneda, American anthropologist and author

I've been thinking a lot about work this week. Not necessarily where I am employed, but rather the broader definition of work that encompasses all of the activities that I am engaged in every day. The most valuable, affecting, satisfying work I do all day involves my writing. Whether it's on this blog, for TJCC, the fiction I'm currently working on, or my after-school program, I now know that writing is what I'm meant to do. I really can't imagine taking up another profession that doesn't have writing and content creation as its main activity.

Now I've been down this road before. I've had several opportunities to take up writing full-time and I've turned away out of fear. Again, I am at this same, familiar cross-roads: Can I jump off the cliff as so many successful writers say they ultimately had to do? We hear it all the time - lawyers who just couldn't be lawyers for one more day, doctors and nurses who couldn't work one more overnight shift, corporate employees who lost all interest in climbing any kind of ladder. They wanted so much to do something creative that they could no longer make their living any other way. Can I be that brave (or ignorant as the case may be for me)?

There are a few tough things about taking great risks, whether the risk is in our professional or personal lives:

1.) Once you jump off the cliff, you can't change your mind. You can't get back to where you were before.

2.) There are no guarantees.

3.) You won't know if it's the right choice until you actually jump.

These are weighty considerations. I think of my friend, Allan, who is very close to returning to school for a degree that he knows will lead him in the direction of his dream job. Or my friend, LT, who is a phenomenal and engaging public speaker who is beginning to lay the groundwork for his own business. Or my friend, Lissa, who left behind her work as a GYN so she could build a supportive on-line community for women and conduct self-empowerment and personal development workshops. And my dear friends, Amy and Rob, who are in the transition process from financially lucrative careers in the arts to personally fulfilling ventures in peace building and social work. I'm drawing my inspiration from them these days. "Maybe I can do this," I thought this morning in my cubicle.

The latest iteration of this thought started to take shape on Wednesday. At 10am I had a full-on argument, not raising the volume of my voice. Thank goodness it was by phone and not in person. Then someone basically told me to shut up and do what I was told. Hmmm....that doesn't exactly sit well with me. I don't do any of the things in that phrase well - I don't shut up, I don't like being told what to do if I completely disagree with it, and I certainly don't take kindly to being told to do those two things in combination. And then I completely surprised myself - I articulated with passion and clarity why I would not comply with this person's request. And my comments were met with complete silence. My friend, Jeff, calls it "The Ba-bam Response", as in "Ba-bam, take that!" In that moment, the person yelling at me is the one who sat down and I stood up, way up, perhaps as straight and tall as I have ever been.

Today I read the quote above by Carlos Castaneda, and I have not been able to get it out of my mind. Castaneda is right. To not write requires that I work very hard at something that I'd rather not do for a living, and to choose to write full-time (and make a living at it) will be a tremendous amount of work, too. So shouldn't I do a tremendous amount of work for something I really want to do rather than something I don't want to do?

I went through this same process in my personal life a few years ago. I used to be afraid, very afraid, to fall in love. I flat out refused to do it. There is a great risk involved in opening up our hearts and loving someone. We could get hurt. Very hurt. And then one day I was able to consider the alternative: if I don't open up my heart, if I never fall in love and never allow anyone to be close enough to fall in love with me then I will always be a very lonely person who feels disconnected and isolated from the world around me. This loneliness and isolation is its own kind of hurt.

So then I reasoned, "shouldn't I take the risk and open up my heart because at least in that scenario there is a chance that falling in love can bring me great happiness and joy?" Loneliness and isolation will always, certainly lead to being hurt. And with that reasoning my heart opened up. And yes, I did get hurt, many times, and I also found a lot of joy and happiness, too. Falling in love generates a much stronger likelihood for happiness than not falling in love so I could no longer keep my heart locked up inside of me. It was no longer logical to resist falling in love.

And so it goes with writing full-time, and I think that this time around, when that fork presents itself, I will choose to go down the writing road. Carlos Castaneda's quote made me realize that any other choice just doesn't make sense.

My Year of Hopefulness - Dream Reality Dream

"Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living." ~ Anaïs Nin

The set-up of my new apartment is nearly complete. It's beginning to feel like a home, so to celebrate I took myself for a stroll around my new / old neighborhood. Even though I only moved four blocks north, it feels like a whole new life here. Somehow, even my old haunts look different, refreshed from this vantage point.

Everywhere I looked there were signs of new life: business springing up on every corner, new restaurants that were bustling, sidewalk artists, musicians on the streets, fresh fruit vendors. One hair salon was having a day of gratitude, thanking customers for their loyalty during these tough times. It was enough to make me giddy. Maybe we are going to be okay.

All of this new activity got me to thinking about dreams and how I'd like my life to be going forward, starting today. This year has been filled with great lessons on the power of intention. Hoping and praying for something to come to pass has its power, though on its own it's not going to get the job done. While I believe in the energy of the universe, I believe that energy is there for us to use, not admire. I'm beginning to question this idea of what we're "meant to do". We may just be meant to do whatever we set our minds and hearts to.

There is a peculiar play between dreams and action. I've found that I have some dreams that are filled with so much passion that it would be impossible for me to not work on them. And that work is what brings them to life. And seeing my dreams brought to life begets the confidence to create new dreams. And on and on we go. This cycle enables us to live to our full potential.

Someone recently told me that she's afraid to work on her dream because she's actually afraid of achieving it. A part of her just wants to put it away in a little box for safekeeping so that it always stays in her mind's eye, exactly the way she envisions it. This sounded so strange to me. Who actively doesn't want their dream to come true? And then we got to what she's really afraid of: if she achieves her dream, then what will she do after that? What if there isn't anything else? What will she do when she's run out of dreams? Will she just be hanging around waiting for life to go by?

There is another beautiful layer of truth hidden in Anaïs Nin's quote that speaks to this fear. She's saying that deeply embedded in every dream is the seed to a new dream that's activated when we see the first dream become real. In other words, having a dream, going after it, and achieving it guarantees that a new dream is on the way. There's no need to hold back. No need to give only part of the energy we have. Pour yourself into your endeavors, all of them. The well of strength and possibility is deeper than we could ever imagine. The dream you have right now, at this moment, is only the beginning.

The photo above can be found here.

My Year of Hopefulness - Make Your Own Path

"Travelers, there is no path. Paths are made by walking." ~ Antonio Machado, Spanish poet

A few years ago, my friend, Amy, and I were talking about the lives that were stretched out before us, that were laying in wait for our arrival. We were at a place called The Little Grill, a co-op restaurant in Harrisonburg, Virginia. We were both graduate students; Amy was getting her Master's in Conflict Resolution at EMU and I was getting my MBA just down the road at UVA in Charlottesville. I asked Amy how she saw all of her work playing out. Would she go overseas? Did she have a specific issue or population she wanted to work with? What did she think the universe held for her? Her response was that she didn't know; the only thing she was sure of at that time was that she wanted to build her own road and not wait for it to find her.

I remember that conversation so clearly. Amy's passion for her work was so evident. Now here we are, close pals, building our respective roads. Our paths have been shaped by many unexpected events, some good and some not-so-good. Those paths weren't laying in wait for us as I originally thought. We've had to build them, one tiny piece at a time, by trying something, and trying again and again and again. Maybe our fate isn't set by the Universe at all. Maybe we find our groove by moving.

While it can be a little disappointing to know that our perfect life isn't out there waiting for us to show up, it's also very freeing. Maybe our life's work isn't pre-determined. Maybe there's nothing to discover, as if it's been there all along. Maybe it's all more dynamic than that. Maybe our life's work can be whatever we want it to be, and if after a period of time we want to change it up, then that's A-OK. After all, it's our path, and it's only going to be built by us moving forward. And sometimes moving forward means moving on.

Someone I know is very passionate politics right now. He's researching all kinds of election methods and voting systems because he's become deeply interested in how our government operates. I told him yesterday that I can't wait to see how this all plays out for him, where it takes him. He said, "well, for now this is my interest. Tomorrow it might be the clarinet, and then that's all you'll hear about from me." Little did I know that he was saying exactly the same thing as Machado. His path, Amy's path, all of our paths are ours to build. Take whatever turns you want.

The photo above can be found at: http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2304/1557274926_a7c2569175_b.jpg

My Year of Hopefulness - Just Get to What's Next

"Wisdom consists not so much in knowing what to do in the ultimate as knowing what to do next." ~ Herbert Hoover, 31st U.S. president

Today I met with an old friend from college that I haven't seen in 11 years. She and I worked on a theatre production together at Penn, and she has a new theatre project that she wanted to get my advice on. At one point in our conversation she said she just felt so overwhelmed by the enormity of the task of getting the project off the ground. As much as she believes in the idea, the shear amount of work that it takes will be intense, regardless of whether it is a runaway hit, a flop, or somewhere in-between. She is afraid of the outcome of her efforts before she's even begun.

Like all of us with ideas that get our blood pumping, we get ahead of ourselves. We haven't even put a proposal on paper, and already we are off and running making contingency plans for every challenge and triumph imaginable. Long-term planning is important; to paralyze ourselves with fear in the short-run makes all of our worrying inconsequential. If we can't even get started, our long-term contingency plans don't make a bit of difference.

A crystal ball would be a handy tool to have in our back pocket, particularly if we could play out different scenarios before making choices. Unfortunately, no one has invented one of those yet, and so we're left with only our gut, experience, and conscience to help us make decisions. While we might do our best chess playing game, anticipating how the world around us will change, it never goes exactly according to plan. There's always some surprise we didn't account for. And if you're doing A just to get to B, then my experience has demonstrated that surely C, D, and E will show up to throw a wrench in the works.

The best we can do is to just do what's next. Keep a lofty goal as your guide, and remember that there are many routes to it. Don't shut down your ability to move forward by standing at the fork in the road and burying your head in your hands. Self-imposed grief, and the indecision that comes along with it, doesn't serve anyone well. And your dreams are too important. You have too much to offer this world. There is no time for indecision. The only choice you need to make right now is the next one. Leave the future where it belongs, out ahead of you.

The image above can be found at: http://toughsledding.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/fork.jpg

My Year of Hopefulness - Stepping up and out

This week I got approval and funding for a project that I've been pitching for a year. A solid year of effort, and beating a drum that most had no interest in hearing. For the past year, I've felt alternately foolish and hopeful. One minute I thought I just didn't get it, couldn't see past my own stubbornness. The next minute I'd think, no, it's everyone else who doesn't get it.

I now realize that it wasn't a matter of people getting it; it was entirely a matter of timing and circumstances. I wanted an idea to flourish ahead of its time. Had I gotten approval a year ago for it, the idea would have crashed and burned, no doubt about it. And then I would not have only felt foolish - I would have looked foolish, too.

The universe tries to protect us from ourselves. It throws down roadblocks to test our passion and perseverance, and also to give the rest of the world time to catch up with us. At the time that I first developed the idea, I didn't see it that way. I was so willing to toot my own horn, thinking that I knew something others around me didn't. In reality, the universe was saving me from me. It's a difficult, necessary lesson to learn; when the path is cluttered with resistance, it really is best to wait it out with quiet strength.

This is not to say that we should all zip it and go stand in line waiting for our turn. I still maintain that it takes the ability to step up and out for an idea we believe in that really creates progress. However, the next time a project is not going exactly according to plan, I'll have more patience with myself and with those around me. If the idea's a good one, it's time will come. Perhaps not on the schedule I'd like, though at the time when it has the greatest chance to not only survive but thrive.

My Year of Hopefulness - Disappointment as Fuel for Change

"We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope." ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

I'm now nearly 7 months through my 1 year commitment to actively search for hope every day and write about it. I'm in the thick of it and the remaining months of 2009 seem to be just around the bend. This is the side effect of working in a retail-focused business: I'm always one step ahead of myself because the industry I work in demands it. Looking for hope is sometimes an easy task and sometimes a game of hunt and peck. Some days I struggle to find something hopeful and positive, and other days it seems that the world is awash with hope, so much so that it's hard to take it all in and stay still long enough to write about it. It's these latter days that I try to focus on most.

I've become a fan of daily email delivery of my favorite blogs. I get why tools like Google Reader are valuable; I just prefer to use my gmail inbox as my to-do list. (Thank you, David Pogue, for that insight on email in-boxes!) And I like the idea that my favorite writers are sending me little bits of wisdom directly, or at least I feel like they're sending them to me directly. Daily Good, a blog that posts a daily story about some piece of goodness in the world, is one of my favorites. Their stories always begin with a quote, and it's responsible for many of the quotes that populate my "food for thought" section in the right side bar of this blog.

This week Daily Good posted up the quote above from Martin Luther King, Jr. He could have easily made the quote "We must accept disappointment, but we must never lose hope." Still powerful, still emotional, still inspirational. Instead, he chose to talk about finite disappointment and infinite hope, and link the two together. In my 7 months of writing about hope, I have found disappointment. More than I would have liked.

Just this week, I decided I had accepted enough disappointment. I'd reached the finite limit that Dr. King spoke about and then decided that I could no longer wait to do what I really wanted to do. With the help of some friends who help me think clearly, who help to bolster me up when I get a little bit down, I made a plan to turn all of my attention to what I hope to achieve and away from what's disappointed me. The hope was there all along, even through the disappointment. I just wasn't seeing it. We can all do a lot more than hope for a change; there will be no grand arrival and entrance of change. It's always there - we need only reach out and grab a hold of it.

My Year of Hopefulness - Finishing what you've started

"Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task." ~ William James

I have a hard time letting things go. I have to watch movies straight through to the end, no matter how bad they are. I have to finish every book I start. Nothing causes me to lose sleep more than tasks hanging around for me to finish tomorrow; hence my tremendous lack of sleep in a partially packed apartment. Why is it so troublesome to let things lie around undone?

It could be that I've read too many stories about people who didn't quite get to see their dreams realized. It could be that I've read that quote from John Lennon "Most people die with the music still in them" once too often. I don't want to look back and be so far away from something I started that it's too difficult to pick it up again.

We get to these points in our lives where we must go left or right and it's very hard to double back once we've made a choice. Not impossible, but certainly difficult. I'm there now. A lot of my friends are there now. Maybe this is the dilemma we find in our 30's. We are making choices now that impact every other choice down the line. We're deciding who we're going to become, how we're going to make use of our talents, how the world around us is going to be different because we passed this way instead of that way.

And while I have a natural instinct of which way to go at this fork in the road, the choice in my heart is a tough one. It's got some risks baked into it. It's not the safe route. Some times I think the choice in my heart isn't even the sane route to take. Then again, when has making the sane, safe choice ever lead me to complete fulfillment?

Today I went to a baby shower for my friend, Alex. One of her college friends made a critical choice to leave behind the business world and pursue her PhD in art history, thanks to Alex's encouragement. She loved art history early on in college and had given up her dream to work in that field to take the safe business route. Before it was too late, she went back to what she loved.

Every one of her professors told her this choice was ridiculous, that she was truly wasting her life in art history, that she'd never get a job. One of them actually told her that a degree in art history and a quarter wouldn't even get her a cup of coffee. Now she works in New York and helps corporations and nonprofits build their private art collections. Turns out that a degree in art history has earned her much more than a cup of coffee. It helped her earn a happy life. The rewards of finishing what she started and following her heart.

My Year of Hopefulness - 20-10

A lot of my friends are asking themselves weighty questions these days. I had brunch with a friend on Sunday who told me that someone we used to work worth just lost his mom to cancer. His mom was 58. It's a sobering thought to consider how short life is, and how much opportunity for living this world offers us.

In the book In Pursuit of Elegance, Matt May talks about how Jim Collins left HP. One of his former professors gave him an assignment called "20-10": Imagine you've just inherited $20M free and clear. The catch is you only have 10 years to live. What would you do - and more importantly, what would you stop doing? As a result of this exercise, he quit his job at HP, despite his success there, and pursued a life of teaching, researching, and writing. And we are the great benefactors of that choice.

This assignment takes great courage to complete, and even greater courage to put the results into action. It's easy for us to think we have a long life ahead of us. It's easy to think that we have all the time in the world to accomplish what we really want to do. It's easy to just play the game of "let me just get by for now". The trouble with that game is that for now very quickly turns into a long, long time. It might even turn into a lifetime.

This world is counting on us, on all of us, to do something truly extraordinary. And extraordinary can take many different forms, depending on our priorities. Depending on the outcome of our 20-10 assignment. I've been putting off this assignment for a solid week now. Too afraid to answer that simple question. $20M, 10 years. What would I do and what would I stop doing?

I would...
Travel
Have my family and friends close to me
Write and write and write, and read and read and read
I'd find a way to build a company or an organization around a product, service, or cause I care about, so that it would survive long, long, long after I'm gone
Fall in love one more time

I would stop...
Letting someone else tell me what my development plan is
Spending time in a gray cubicle
Worrying

A shorter list than I expected on both counts. I thought there was a lot I'd stop doing, until I realized that most of what I do that I don't like doing is related to my worrying. I didn't know that. I didn't realize how afraid I was, of just living, until I wrote this list. I didn't realize that falling in love one more time was so important to me. And it further confirmed that the writing life is the right life for me. When everything else fall away, it's this act, this daily time translating my thoughts into words on a page that makes life worthwhile for me. And that is worth something - it's actually worth everything.

The photo above depicts Jim Collins and can be found at: http://www.seeseeeye.com/uploads/wp_161.jpg

My Year of Hopefulness - The Day I Grew Up

I am in the midst of preparing an essay for a contest with the theme "the day I grew up." I've been racking my brain, conjuring up old memories, to get to that one realization that defined the end of my childhood and the beginning of my adult life. Trouble was I couldn't think of any one moment. It seemed to happen gradually - actually, I think I'm still in the midst of that transition. Or at least I thought I was until today.

Two events happened to me today that signaled to me that I had turned the corner - leaving my childish insecurity and lack of confidence behind, tossing it off in favor of the confidence and self-assurance I have always admired in adults. I recognize that it's odd that it would take me 33 years of living to make the leap. Better late than never.

Event one: I was told that I may have to stop writing, or at the very least have my writing approved and heavily edited, if I am to continue my association with an organization that I am currently involved with. It seems that they think my writing reflects upon them, even if I'm writing about a subject entirely unrelated to them.

That means that this blog would go silent and that my Examiner.com column would grind to a halt, just as I am finding my own voice and rhythm. I would have to stop doing the one activity I love most in the world - writing - because someone else demanded it. Without a second thought I decided that if I cannot have my writing life and be associated with that organization, then that organization would cease to be a part of my life. As a child, if my mother told me to stop jumping on the bed, I stopped jumping on the bed. As an adult, I won't stop doing something I love because someone else say I have to.

Event two: I was asked to put my name on a request that I cannot support because "that's the way it's always been done." Even though the request doesn't make any sense, and everyone involved with the request agrees it doesn't make sense, I was still being asked to push it forward. I will admit that I got a bit exasperated. My emotions got the best of me. I'm a passionate person.

As if someone was asking me to dishonor my name and my sense of judgment for the sake of being compliant to a rule I disagree with, I was handed the dare: say yes, even though you disagree, or face the consequences. A child would flinch at the thought of the consequences. I chose the consequences. I know the value of my name and judgment, and they're worth so much to me that I'd rather suffer any consequences that their defense may trigger.

When I was a kid, I always imagined that growing up would be this phenomenal achievement. It would be a welcome release. And it is, sort of. But it's a little lonely, too. Today, I shut some doors. I made a few decisions that cannot be undone. And while I am confident that they are the right decisions for me to make, those doors are still a little painful to shut. It means there's one less avenue, one less path to take to wherever it is my life is headed.

It's almost as if I didn't even make the choices in the two events today. The world made them for me. It handed me a set of circumstances, already knowing which direction I'd take, in order to push me forward. Fate's a funny thing. On one hand, it's comforting to know that the world has something in store for us that's far better than anything we can dream up on our own. On the other hand, we have to cede control to a grander plan that we don't entirely know. One thing is for certain: in order to grow up we have to let go of all the "might-have-been's" to focus on the "all-that-will be's".

My Year of Hopefulness - Boundaries

Seth Godin wrote a great post this morning about boundaries. It reminded me of the boxes that one of my leadership professors at Darden, Alec Horniman, talked about: the boxes we put other people into, the boxes we put ourselves into, and the boxes we allow others to put us into. We do this with our careers, relationships, friendships, hobbies, interests. We take on roles and keep them, and it's tough to break the behavior patterns we develop in those roles. And we have a real knack for giving people roles in our lives, whether or not those are the roles they want.

To make sense of our lives and keep us from going crazy, boundaries might be necessary. The key is to make them flexible and adaptable. Seth puts it in perspective of a brand, and explains that the brand can be our own personal one or that of a company. He stresses that brand loyalists are much more forgiving than the holders of a brand give them credit for. We have to give ourselves permission to try new things that truly interest us. If we are authentic and sincere in our pursuit of something new, the people who loves us will help us get there.

I've never been one for being put into a category. I've always felt free to explore different careers and interests, and have made a concerted effort to bring a diverse group of people into my life. From the outside it might seem that I just can't make up my mind about where to focus my time and effort. A recruiter once said to me, "seems like you've spent your whole life exploring." This sounded like a positive thing to me -- apparently he didn't mean it to be positive!

In actuality I have made a very specific decision to follow my interests wherever they may lead. I'm not exploring because I'm lost; I'm exploring because I'm interested in making the most of my life. I want to be someone with a broad perspective, someone who loves traveling, and new experiences, and meeting new people. I want to make sure that when my time comes, I've lived as much life as I possibly could.

My close friends, family, and supporters have been very accepting of this choice. They've celebrated my patchwork life with me. With every new experience, they are there, cheering me on and sometimes my life has even inspired them to do something different that they previously didn't think they do. It's a personal passion to extend my boundaries and grow my comfort zone, and I'd like to help others do the same.

My Year of Hopefulness - Mayo Clinic & Social Media

Incorporating the world of social media into an existing business can be challenging. And scary. You want to get involved and building community, but where do you start? How do you start? Which tools and materials are the most relevant for a specific business? The number of choices is overwhelming and growing all the time.

If you have a start-up, it's easier to bake social media plans right into the initial marketing and communications strategy. Established businesses have a tougher time -- they've made significant investments in brand building and customer loyalty that didn't involve social media. A few efforts in social media that lack authenticity and the business will be hung out to dry by every power that exists in social media land.

I was tooling around on slideshare recently and found a presentation by Mayo Clinic that described their journey into the uncertain world of social media. With a brand this powerful and with so much debate swirling about patient privacy, Mayo Clinic took a risk by testing social media's potential to increase their impact and reach. A few of the key points touched upon in the presentation are key for any business interested in a similar pursuit and they're good reminders for all of us whenever we take on a large project in unfamiliar territory:

1.) Start small. Mayo Clinic could have came into the world of social media guns a-blazin', hopping on to every social media service available. They didn't. They first assembled a space on their website that tracked all of the stories about them showing up in traditional media, and gave people a way to respond to those stories through comments on their own site. The branded this site 'Medical Edge'. Smart - they got a lot of great feedback and leveraged written material that already existed.

2.) Use what's free and available from others first rather than building your own platform from scratch. Mayo Clinic took advantage of the iTune platform to first create radio mp3s. Then it graduated to podcasts, more and longer podcasts, and then eventually built its own platform at podcasts.mayoclinic.org. Rather than jumping right in and building their own platform, they wanted to see if there was even any interest in this type of material and they experimented with length and topics. Might as well learn on someone else's platform before you build your own.

3.) Use what works. For some organizations, a blog and a Twitter account are the best vehicles for building community. Others find that Facebook Groups work really well for them. For Mayo Clinic, it's videos. That shared experience by real people who are a part of the Mayo Clinic global community provided the most bang for the buck. And with a Flip video camera, the interviews became very easy to record, edit, and post - first to YouTube and then to their own sharing platform at sharing.mayoclinic.org.

These small tips added up to big impact for Mayo Clinic, an established brand that found a way to make social media work for them by taking small steps forward. They are flourishing in the world of social media and can be found participating in multiple outlets. They went slowly, and took the time to discover which path suited them best. It's a wonderful framework to consider. Find it at http://www.slideshare.net/LeeAase/mayo-clinic-best-of-blogwell09

My Year of Hopefulness - Stay on Path

At the Brooklyn Botanic Garden yesterday, Mom and I kept seeing these small wooden signs that said simply "Please Stay on Path". As we talked about my life and career, we considered what my path might be and how I can shape it to encompass all of my interests and passions. We thought about all the different ways that we get distracted, what causes us to lose focus, and how we can regain our bearings.

Staying on path at the garden is much easier than it is in life. It's easy to lose direction, to veer off our course, some times without even realizing exactly how it happened. Some opportunity seemed like something we wanted to follow or we had an experience that made us consider a different way forward. Sometimes these side trips are life changing for the better and sometimes our interest in these new pursuit fades as quickly as it appeared.

And then there's the question of flexibility. We get new information all of the time and we want to make sure that we have enough flexibility to incorporate the relevant info into our plans. Think of it like our bones. We want our bodies to be flexible, though the strength of our bone structure makes all of our activities possible. Without the rigidity of our bones, we'd never go anywhere! A life road map provides the same kind support.

I've found very often that I make much better life choices when I am running toward something and not away from something. It's the difference between looking forward and looking back, and making choices depending upon which of these actions has more say in our decisions. I like a good balance of both. I want to be informed by my past and not ruled by it. I want to be hopeful and excited about my future without sacrificing the wonderful things about the present.

There's nothing that says a path has to be a straight shot. Mom and I wound through the Brooklyn Botanic Garden, explored the different routes, and trusted in a healthy dose of meandering. Our map helped to make sure that we didn't miss things we really wanted to see and that we headed only down roads that interested us. We had our priorities of what we wanted to see, things that would be fun if we had time, and things that we'd prefer to skip. And we took time to smell the flowers along the way. We enjoyed being surprised by things around the bend. We let our senses guide us on some adventures to things we had missed on the map. It's a beautiful metaphor for how to live life.

My Year of Hopefulness - 10 Items or Less

Phil Terry recommended the movie 10 Items or Less on his Facebook page. It is one of those exceptional indie films that slipped by me and I am glad Phil encouraged his friends to see it. In the movie, the two main characters discuss 10 items or less of things they love, hate, can't do without, etc.

It's a poignant and revealing premise. In a few short words, these lists can get at the heart of what's really important to you. So here are my 3 lists of 10 items or less: things I love, things I need to do in my life, and impacts I'd like to have.

Things I love to do
Write
Develop new business ideas
Research
Read
Meet new people
Travel
Volunteer
Organize

Things I need to do in my life
Start my own business
Own the place where I live
Write and publish books
Fall in love for life
Travel a lot
Learn to play an instrument well

Impacts I'd like to have
Live an extraordinary life
Help other people live extraordinary lives
Help other people start their own businesses so they can be independent and create their own lives on their own terms
Further the cause of creativity and innovation

What Now?

About a month ago I read Ann Patchett's book, What Now?. It's a reproduction of her graduation speech at Sarah Lawrence University, her alma mater. And she talks about crossroads and where you might look when considering your next step. I wonder if she realized how poignant this question would become in the year after the book's publication. 

In the month since reading the book, I've been considering "What Now?" almost daily. It seems that I am at an eternal crossroads in almost every area of my life. As I talk to my friends and my family I realize that many people are doing the same thing. So I thought it might be helpful to detail the way I'm framing up this question to myself in an effort to answer it as effectively as possible. 

Career: My friend, Susan, whom I consider my career guru, is always concerned about the story that our careers are weaving. And this is especially important for us 30-somethings. We have amassed a good deal of experience and expertise and we may be teetering on a taking the plunge into a higher level position a a big company, starting our own company, or making a career switch. How are those pieces weaving together into one cohesive story? When have we been happiest in our careers? What skills are we happiest exercising and what skills do we still want to polish up? These questions help me think about what's next for me. 

Relationships: A tough one for us single 30-somethings. We've likely had a number of relationships at this point. And we've gone through the highest of highs and lowest of lows in love. We've had our hearts broken, perhaps broken someone else's heart, walked away, been walked out on. We've loved and lost and loved again. Some people think this is the time to find a husband or settle in to be single for a long time to come. I don't. There's a calm that has settled in for me around love in the 30's. Either it works or it doesn't. And if it doesn't, I've given up the sadness and sulking of my 20's - it must mean that I had better get back out there because that relationship just wasn't the right one for me.

Friends: My friend, Amy, and I always talk about how important it is to get energy from our friends rather than have or energy sapped by people. My friend, Kelly, describes it as not wanting to be around people who suck our will to live. A bit dramatic? Sure. Accurate? Definitely. We have just so much time to devote to people in our lives. Make sure that each one enriches your life. It's not easy to clean out our lives of old friendships that don't work anymore - for one thing, we may find our lives have more holes than we'd like. But the good news is that if we do that we'll have more time for the people in our lives who really matter to us, and you'll be surprised what good fortune finds you when you make room in your life for it to stay awhile.

Happiness: This is the area of my life I work on the most. It effects our health, the foundation for every other area of our lives. It effects those around us. A recent study found that surrounding ourselves with happy people has enormous benefits - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When I think about what's next in my life, the greatest consideration I give is a decision's effect on my happiness. And having that one guiding principle, light's the way. 

Living in an ecosystem

A few nights ago I went to a dinner co-sponsored by Shop.org (a retail trade organization) and Demandware, an e-commerce platform provider. They were kind enough to host a soft sell dinner for 50 retailers in New York City at Ruth's Chris. While the dinner and networking were terrific, a researcher from Jupiter Research, Patti Freeman Evans, gave a brief speech on e-commerce, though her insights had much broader-reaching applications.

I have written often about the act of curation - in writing and in life. As a retailer, there is also a curatorial aspect to my company's work. In our brick-and-mortar stores, we are constrained by the size of the box. Even on our website, there is just so much merchandise that any one Guest is willing to click-through. Navigation must be easy. Content must be relevant. Frustration, confusion, and wait time must be held to an absolute minimum from parking in our parking lot all the way through the Guest exit. As retailers, we are curators. Yes, the content matters, though the thoughtful edit matters even more. Or point-of-view and clear expression of it is mission critical. There's no room in retail for "wishy-washy".

It's easy to have a POV about a store, or a chain or stores, or a website. But what about an enterprise POV? Much more difficult when there are parties of conflicting interest. Our business, like so many others, is currently siloed beyond belief. Many people see an ecosystem within their own microcosm. And you can't build a brand that way. I am surprised every day at how many people drive their respective buses with blinders on. This is only complicated by the fact that we are a turn-around, so we are, as my boss likes to say "driving the bus at breakneck speed while also trying to paint it." Again, if only I could draw...

What Patti Freeman Evans asked us to do, as retailers, is consider our entire business and indeed our entire industry, as an ecosystem. What we do in one store, one chain of stores, or on one site has an incredible effect on many other people and companies. And her thought provoking analogy of businesses being living, breathing entities offers us a chance to reflect on the question, "what would we do, in our businesses, if we were conscious at every moment that our decisions profoundly effect the lives of everyone we reach for years to come?"