My Year of Hopefulness - At the End of the Test

One can't learn much and also be comfortable. One can't learn much and let anybody else be comfortable.

~ Charles Fort, Wild Talents

On Friday night I went for a walk with my friend, Dan. We wound our way through Central Park talking about recent events in our lives, challenges we're facing, things we're excited about. We got onto the subject of testing. When recently talking to a friend of his about a particular circumstance he's working though the friend said, "Like Job, you are being tested." Dan's response was a simple question, "What do I get if I pass the test?" I've been thinking about that question all weekend.

As I was working through my yoga practice this morning, I was thinking about the idea of comfort versus discomfort. Times of testing are often uncomfortable times. We just want to get through them as quickly as possible. We want the shortest path to relief. Yoga teaches us to be comfortable being uncomfortable, sinking into the pose, going deeper, as opposed to pulling away often helps us. Perhaps the shortest relief to discomfort is through, similar that old saying of "If you're going through hell, keep going." Every day that saying makes more sense to me.

Maybe Charles Fort is correct: If we shrank away every situation that was challenging, every situation that brought some kind of fear or discomfort, perhaps we'd never learn anything. If we embrace fear, discomfort, and confusion for the sake of learning, maybe challenging times become easier to bear. Maybe learning is the prize at the end of our test. All that's required of us is patience and commitment. We just have to keep showing up, for ourselves and for one another.

My Year of Hopefulness - Daniel Ellsberg and John Dean

On Tuesday night I attended an event at the New York Society of Ethical Culture. The event was a talk moderated by Ann Beeson, Executive Director for U.S. Programs at the Open Society Institute and former Associate Legal Director at the ACLU. She interviewed Daniel Ellsberg and John Dean on the eve of the release of a documentary entitled The Most Dangerous Man in America: Daniel Ellsberg and the Pentagon Papers. Judith Ehrlich and Rick Goldsmith, the film makers, were in attendance as well. I'm looking forward to seeing it some time soon, and you should, too. We all should. While its set around the events of the 1970s, its moral implications are just as relevant today.

From the moment the footage began to role, my eyes started to tear up. With scenes of the massive amounts of missiles that we poured into Vietnam, 7.8M tons, it was hard to not consider all that we have been doing in Afghanistan and Iraq for years. And while the specific circumstances and players may differ, the outcome is likely to be the same. Innocent people are placed in the line of fire, and harmed. Those people are looked at as casualty numbers, the equivalent of statistics in some government report. In truth, those people are someone's parent, sibling, child, friend, neighbor, lover. And after years of watching the news night after night, watching the death tolls climb higher and higher, I can't find a logical reason to have incurred any of those losses.

Daniel Ellsberg and John Dean, government insiders, stood up once they realized that we could not win in Vietnam, once they had proof in black and white, via the Pentagon Papers, that there was no morally, ethically, or even legally correct reasoning for our occupation of Vietnam. At great personal peril, they risked everything, even their own freedom, their own lives, to reveal these findings. It would have been easier, far easier, to turn a blind eye - at least in the short run. In the long run, they just didn't feel like they could live with themselves if they didn't release the classified information they had that showed the fallacy of the war. They saved, literally, thousands, tens of thousands, maybe even hundreds of thousands, of lives by standing up with every odd stacked against them. Their courage is immeasurable.

As I sat in the audience I considered the bravery and fear these men must have had for years, how they risked everything of personal value for the good of the world. It was completely humbling to be in their presence. The most fascinating piece of the talk was the last question they answered: "What would you say to other potential whistle blowers out there who are contemplating taking the path you took?" John Dean couldn't recommend it. Daniel Ellsberg asked those people to seriously consider taking the same road he took. I left understanding both of their points of view, wondering what I'd do, what my friends would do, if faced with similar circumstances.

I fell asleep Tuesday night thinking about the Dalai Lama's letter to the world after September 11th. We later found out that he didn't write the letter at all; it was a hoax written by someone else who was very concerned that in the wake of the attacks, we would find ourselves entering a deadly war that we could not win. The author may have felt that it had more relevance coming from the Dalai Lama; perhaps the author felt more people would listen to its reason. Perhaps that person didn't have the ability or the knowledge to be as courageous as Daniel Ellsberg and John Dean. No matter; the author's intention was the same - he or she felt compelled to stand up, speak up, and try to encourage others to do the same.

The letter is a beautiful one and bears repeating. I still cry when I read it; it's that powerful. It's reproduced below and can also be found on the website of The Government of Tibet in Exile. Daniel Ellsberg and John Dean seized the time of their teaching. I wonder if we will have the courage to seize ours, too, not just in issues of war but in issues of every day life as well.

"Dear friends around the world,

The events of this day cause every thinking person to stop their daily lives, whatever is going on in them, and to ponder deeply the larger questions of life. We search again for not only the meaning of life, but the purpose of our individual and collective experience as we have created it-and we look earnestly for ways in which we might recreate ourselves anew as a human species, so that we will never treat each other this way again.

The hour has come for us to demonstrate at the highest level our most extraordinary thought about Who We Really Are. There are two possible responses to what has occurred today. The first comes from love, the second from fear.

If we come from fear we may panic and do things -as individuals and as nations- that could only cause further damage. If we come from love we will find refuge and strength, even as we provide it to others.

This is the moment of your ministry. This is the time of teaching. What you teach at this time, through your every word and action right now, will remain as indelible lessons in the hearts and minds of those whose lives you touch, both now, and for years to come.

We will set the course for tomorrow, today. At this hour. In this moment. Let us seek not to pinpoint blame, but to pinpoint cause. Unless we take this time to look at the cause of our experience, we will never remove ourselves from the experiences it creates. Instead, we will forever live in fear of retribution from those within the human family who feel aggrieved, and, likewise, seek retribution from them.

To us the reasons are clear. We have not learned the most basic human lessons. We have not remembered the most basic human truths. We have not understood the most basic spiritual wisdom. In short, we have not been listening to God, and because we have not, we watch ourselves do ungodly things.

The message we hear from all sources of truth is clear: We are all one. That is a message the human race has largely ignored. Forgetting this truth is the only cause of hatred and war, and the way to remember is simple: Love, this and every moment.

If we could love even those who have attacked us, and seek to understand why they have done so, what then would be our response? Yet if we meet negativity with negativity, rage with rage, attack with attack, what then will be the outcome?

These are the questions that are placed before the human race today. They are questions that we have failed to answer for thousands of years. Failure to answer them now could eliminate the need to answer them at all.

If we want the beauty of the world that we have co-created to be experienced by our children and our children's children, we will have to become spiritual activists right here, right now, and cause that to happen. We must choose to be at cause in the matter.

So, talk with God today. Ask God for help, for counsel and advice. For insight and for strength and for inner peace and for deep wisdom. Ask God on this day to show us how to show up in the world in a way that will cause the world itself to change. And join all those people around the world who are praying right now, adding your Light to the Light that dispels all fear.

That is the challenge that is placed before every thinking person today. Today the human soul asks the question: What can I do to preserve the beauty and the wonder of our world and to eliminate the anger and hatred-and the disparity that inevitably causes it - in that part of the world which I touch?

Please seek to answer that question today, with all the magnificence that is You. What can you do TODAY...this very moment? A central teaching in most spiritual traditions is: What you wish to experience, provide for another.

Look to see, now, what it is you wish to experience-in your own life, and in the world. Then see if there is another for whom you may be the source of that. If you wish to experience peace, provide peace for another. If you wish to know that you are safe, cause another to know that they are safe.

If you wish to better understand seemingly incomprehensible things, help another to better understand. If you wish to heal your own sadness or anger, seek to heal the sadness or anger of another.

Those others are waiting for you now. They are looking to you for guidance, for help, for courage, for strength, for understanding, and for assurance at this hour. Most of all, they are looking to you for love.

My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness."

My Year of Hopefulness - Cleansing

It's the middle of the night and I'm having a tough time sleeping. I've become accustomed to insomnia as I've had it off and on for most of my life. Tonight is a little eerie though. I'm awake because of the wind. It's keeping me up long past my bedtime. It's so gusty that as I was walking back to my friend, Amber's, apartment, I could feel the weather bearing down on me. For a moment I almost lost my footing. You'd think this was Chicago in the winter the way the gusts are going. We rarely have wind like this, especially at the beginning of September.

I can't help but think that this odd wind is a way for the greater universe to say to me that my life is being cleaned out, and it must be this way as tough as the circumstances may be. With these gusts will go all of the bad energy from the fire. And with that energy will go the fear as well - mine, and my neighbors', family's, and friend's fears, too. Rather than it being a disturbing wind, perhaps it's trying to be of great use at a time of great need. Maybe a strong, forceful wind is exactly what's called for in times of stress. At least I'm hoping that's the case.

As I headed from The Empire Hotel toward the subway tonight, for a second I thought "damn, all my warm clothes might be ruined. I have nothing to wear!" And then a second later I started laughing, out loud. Who cares? So I will have to buy some new warm clothing now that Fall has arrived. I stopped for a moment right by Columbus Circle and looked up at the sky, the clouds faintly swirling and swishing in the very dark sky. I said a prayer to whatever and whoever is up there looking down on me, blowing all the smoke away so that I might see and think a bit more clearly. "Thank you," I said. "I'm glad I'm here to witness this." And I've never meant any 9 words more in my life.

The image above is not my own. It can be found here.

My Year of Hopefulness - Honest conversations

This morning I broke down a little. After the initial shock of the apartment building fire, I went into panic mode when considering the legal binding agreement of my lease. Could I be held accountable for the remainder of my lease? If I didn't pay it, could I be sued? I wound myself up, immediately firing off emails asking for advice. I even talked to a personal friend and family friend who are attorneys. Then I met with a broker who showed me a few apartments and he wound me up all over again. By the time I sat down at 11:00AM my head was hurting and spinning.

So I took it to the extreme, my usual MO when trying to calm myself down. Okay, what's the worst that could happen? I wouldn't get my deposit back. I wouldn't get my September rent back. I'd be held liable for the remainder of my lease or be taken to small claims court. That's the worst. And it sucks, but as I learned this weekend, it just sucks.

So rather than continuing to wind myself up, I decided to pick myself up, cart myself off to my own apartment, and meet with my landlord, explaining that I just cannot stay. And I took LOTS of photos. It's just not livable and it's not safe. The whole subway ride I just kept repeating to myself, "I just want out of that place and into some place safe." And I could swear someone said "okay".

I took a deep breathe and explained my feelings to my landlord. I choked up a little bit and was mad at myself for that. He looked at me with a bit of surprise. He couldn't believe that I even thought he would hold me to the lease, keep my deposit, and keep my September rent. Not at all. He released me from the lease, will return my deposit, and refund my September rent. Of course. No problem at all. My lease is null and void and his insurance will cover the lost rent and deposit.

That's all it took - an honest face-to-face conversation and knowing exactly what I wanted and why. Sometimes the stories we tell ourselves are far worse that what actually comes to be. Far better to get it all out there in the open than bottle it up. The result is likely to be better than anything we imagine.

My Year of Hopefulness - Inspiration from our younger selves

"Never let the fear of striking out get in your way." ~ Babe Ruth

I spent a number of years touring around the country with Broadway shows. I worked on the business side, taking care of everything from contracts to financial statement to company travel. Though I learned so much and enjoyed the job, I got tired of always being on the road. I wanted to live in a community and have a life outside of my job. My sister was also having some health issues, and I was really feeling the need to be with her. So I made a little deal with myself: as soon as I had $50,000 in the bank, I could leave, move to Florida with my sister, and figure out the rest from there. That was January 2003.

When I got to Florida, I spent time with my sister, took a few classes, and had the occasional odd job. And just when I needed a really good job, one miraculously showed up and it set me off on an entirely new path that lead to a move to Washington D.C., then to business school, and finally back to New York City. I just followed my heart every step of the way and made sure my bills were paid. Those were my only two requirements.

So now here I am at a crossroads again, though I'm finding myself unable to strike up a little deal the way I did back in 2003. In my heart, I am feeling a very strong need to write full-time, and yet that leap is much more frightening this time around. Now, it could be that my hesitation is caused by increased financial obligations (business school loans) and that the economy is in shambles. It could also be that, well, I'm scared now and I wasn't then.

Today I had to remind my 33 year old self of my younger self, that brave, bold woman who was willing to take a risk, who was willing to bank on her ability to build her own path in life. How is it that I was so brave then and more timid now? It could have been foolishness or blind ignorance that made me so brave in 2003. It could be that I just wasn't capable of doing anything except following my heart. It's this later explanation that I'm banking on resurrecting.

Last Fall, I wrote a post based on an assignment that I did for business school. It's a letter I wrote to my younger self. Now what I really need is my younger self to write a letter to me. I thought maybe a letter from my younger self would shake me awake, would give me some courage, would remind me of who I am and who I'd like to be. So here goes:

Dear Christa,
How did you get where you are? I remember when all you could think of was writing and performing and creating. And now when I think of how your days pass by, I wonder what happened. Your path from A to B was not linear. There were twists and turns. My guess is that while you are surviving quite well right now, you are not thriving in all the ways you'd like to be thriving. You're starting to feel a little trapped and lost and frustrated. That's only natural when the heart has lost its position as your guide.

I want you to know that it's okay that this happened. It's okay that you needed to take care of some necessary evils like paying off loans so that you can be free to pursue your larger mission in life. Sometimes we need to take a step back in order to leap forward. Just make sure you know why you're taking that step back, how it's going to help you leap forward, and how long it will be before you leap.

You have big dreams - so big that you might wonder if they're just too big for you to accomplish. You might be losing a little faith and more than a little confidence. I want you to put your fears aside. I want you to remember how fearless you were climbing trees, racing around on your bike, running so fast that you felt like you might run right out of your own body. And remember how good that fearlessness felt. I want you to remember how good it felt to be free. Completely, hopefully free.

I want you to think of your mom and your grammy, woman who always, always knew you could do anything and told you so. I want you to remember that a lot of people put a lot of faith in you and your potential. You owe it to yourself to reach out for those dreams of yours, and you also owe it to everyone else. It is your obligation, not your option, to use your gifts and talents to leave the world a better place than you found it. Don't think about your dreams as things you may be able to do; remind yourself that these are things you're meant to do, that you must do. Because doing anything else except fulfilling your dreams is just wasteful. And you hate to be wasteful.

Your feelings will undoubtedly be hurt from time to time. You will face rejection and sadness and lose your way. When that happens, do what you always did when you were little. Take a look at those stars. Stare at them until you realize how many miracles you're witnessing, until you recognize that accomplishing your dreams is a small feat when compared to the tremendous work that someone somewhere put into architecting that gorgeous Milky Way. Surely, if someone could line up all those beautiful stars to create something so intricate and perfect, then you can accomplish a handful of dreams, no matter how big they are, right? Right.

Keep your chin up, and give the reins of your life back to you heart.

Love,
Bella

My Year of Hopefulness - The Lessons of Fear

Fear preoccupies us, consumes us. We can't get it out of our minds. It follows us around, a shadow that's always just a step or two behind. It impacts our actions. It's distracts us from our responsibilities and keeps us from our dreams.

It's amazing what happens when we let fear dissipate. A weight lifts from our shoulders. The world is a little brighter. There's a little more hope in our hearts. Best of all, we are able to be more ourselves without fear. We can see all the possibilities in front of us.

So how do we let go of fear? Like most other ailments, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. So here are some ideas on how to banish fear and also how to keep it at bay, along with an example of a fear I've worked through.

1.) Identify the fear. Give it a name.
I always thought I had a real fear of not having money. But then as my earning power increased, I found I was still afraid. It took me a while to realize that my real fear was not being able to provide for myself.

2.) With the true fear identified, consider what would happen if we had to handle the fear head-on tomorrow.
Once I realized that I was afraid of not being able to provide for myself, I thought about what I would do if I suddenly found myself living my fear. I made a list of friends and family who might be able to help me. As I worked through my list, I realized what an amazing support group I have.

And then I considered all the times in my life when I had been very close to living my fear. I thought about how I'd previously gotten myself out of tight budget situations. In college, I was always on the verge of being completely broke. I would get an extra job or pick up a few hours at my current jobs. I even participated in psychology experiments run by grad students at my university to get an extra $25 or $50. I was very good at cutting my expenses down to nearly $0 if need be. I got used to super-cheap food, and I went without every possible frill imaginable.

3.) Talk to others about the fear. Articulated fears are much less scary than those that swim around in our minds.
This one was hard for me. For the majority of my life I was really embarrassed about my financial situation. And then I met a bunch of people in college who also had a hard time making ends meet. They were more at ease about it than I was and they always had some odd job leads that were very helpful.

4.) Set-up a plan to keep the fear at bay, and remember that a fear can be a wonderful motivator to promote good habits.
Because I was worried about not being able to provide for myself, I made an action plan of how to get myself into a situation that made my fear irrelevant. I put myself onto an aggressive savings plan so that I'd have a cushion to fall back on if something went wrong. I also became an expert negotiator for my salary and for variable priced purchases like cars and rental apartments.

My fear about not being able to provide for myself also made me very empathic toward those who truly can't provide for themselves. I knew that fear and sadness and embarrassment they felt. I'd felt it, too. And spending time with those people made me realize how extra ordinarily lucky I am, even at times when I didn't have much at all.

I also realized that I wanted to have more control over my earnings. The roots of my entrepreneurial spirit were started in my desire to provide for myself, to take my future into my own hands. And while I wish that I hadn't allowed fear to plague me for so long, in the end I learned to make the most of it while it was here. I lived through my fear many times over and the sky didn't fall down. Maybe what I was afraid of was fear itself.

My Year of Hopefulness - Cathedral of Saint John the Divine

Yesterday, I found myself leaving the emergency room of St. Luke's Hospital. I had developed a "subconjunctival hemorrhage" and a slight amount of "petechiae". This is a fancy way of saying a very small blood vessel popped in my left eye and I had a few tiny red freckles around both of my eyes. I was panicked that I was experiencing the beginning of a very serious medical condition. Turns out that all of my blood work and diagnostic tests came back completely normal. I'll just look a little weird for a week or so.

I called my mom to update her and let her know that nothing was seriously wrong with me. I wandered down the street, into the children's sculpture garden of the Cathedral of Saint John the Divine. As I was explaining to my mom that I was just fine, I found myself tearing up. Maybe they were tears of relief, or fear, or maybe it was frustration with the week I had just finished. Over the past few days I have discovered many more of my friends have lost their jobs. I'm beginning to wonder how I've been so fortunate to escape that situation in this economy. I work very hard, though not any harder than my friends who have been let go from their positions. I'm beginning to think that luck has a lot to do with it.

I sat in that sculpture garden for about 20 minutes and had a good cry. The sun had come out, the wind was blowing, and I felt lost. I'm worried about the uncertainty we're all facing, despite the fact that I have managed uncertainty so many times before. I feel like the ground is shifting beneath our economy, and there is no sign of it settling down any time soon. I was angry for my friends who have been let go from their jobs - hard working, talented people who were seen as a line item on a company's excel spreadsheet, an expense rather than a resource and an investment. I felt shaken.

I had never really looked at that giant sculpture next to Saint John the Divine. It's a collaborative piece of work based on Noah's Ark and the triumph of good over evil. The Cathedral has been closed for some time for renovations and recently re-opened. I was weary from my hospital visit though felt drawn into that incredible cathedral. I wandered in and it was nearly empty. The choir was practicing and I felt drawn to sit in the center of the space, letting that beautiful music wrap around me like a warm hug. Though I am not a religious person, I felt that God was very close to me at that moment, that he knew what I was going through, and wanted to help.

I let my eyes tear up again, I was cemented to that seat, transfixed by the music. After a little while I got up and walked around the edge of the cathedral, stopping to look at each of the small chapels. The light shone through them so brilliantly. I had never seen stained glass that colorful and perfect. By the time the choir stopped, I got to The Poet's Corner, a small area that pays tributes to literary greats such as Mark Twain, Herman Melville, and Gertrude Stein. They each had their names and birth date engraved into a stone, along with a quote they famously wrote.

One quote particularly caught my attention. Theodore Roethke said, "I learn by going where I have to go." I thought about this quote all the way home. It reminded me that I have places I need to be, where I've committed to be, and there are things for me to learn there and to take somewhere else. Today, I just need to do what I have to do. The acts of hope and faith are a daily process. Just keep showing up.

The image above can be found here.

My Year of Hopefulness - Fear #8 of entrepreneurship

One last fear to conclude this series: "People will laugh at my idea."

Acceptance. Appreciation. Someone who "gets it." We all crave this. Erma Bombeck famously said, "It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else." And sharing our business ideas with others means sharing our dreams with them. It's a scary proposition.

Consider this: About 10 years ago a couple of guys named Larry and Sergey wanted to start an Internet search company called "Google". You think people didn't laugh at that idea? The name, the proposition, the lack of business experience of the founders. While very smart guys, we had no reason to think that 10 years ago they would transform our lives to the extent that they have. Let's consider each of the fears I've laid out over the last 8 days in turn as it relates to Google:

"I won't make enough money." Really? I'm sure Google started out small. Now, the founders are two of the wealthiest people on the planet.

"No one will want the product of service my company produces." Today, Google is so widely used that it's become a verb in the American lexicon.

"I'll fail." Perhaps, but look at the upside. The Google founders kicked around ideas, some successful, some not so successful, as they learned the tricks of the trade of entrepreneurship. You can, too.

"Someone will steal my idea." Go right ahead. There are plenty of other search engines, email services, on-line cloud computing applications that existed before and were created after Google. No matter. Google is still at the top of their game, and improving all the time, even though other people stole their idea.

"I don't have enough time." Start small. Build up from zero. With each extra bit, you'll leverage what you learn, and figure out how to work smarter. Googlers did, and still do.

"Everything that goes wrong will be my fault." Google screws up all of the time. They invent some applications that don't work so great. So they ditch them and try something else. Don't let set-backs get you down. Use them to learn, grow, and move on.

"Starting my own business will be lonely." The founders of Google can't get people to leave them alone. I'm sure they'd do just about anything for a moment of peace and quiet. And I'm sure they won't get one any time soon.

"People will laugh at my idea." Can you imagine a funnier name for a company than "Google"? It reminds me of those weird little eye balls you find in craft stores. It wasn't even a word 10 years ago. Now, you can't go anywhere on the planet without people recognizing the name and fun, colorful logo. So let people laugh - just don't let that laughter chase away your dream.

"Well," you might say, "Google is an exception to the rule." Maybe. But consider that Larry and Sergey weren't in any better shape 10 or 15 years ago than you are today. They weren't famous or fabulously wealthy. They were very smart, normal people in graduate school. They had an idea and they worked like heck to make it a reality. No magic. Just dedication to an idea and very hard work. They aren't any different than you or I, except that they could put aside all of their fears and began. Let's take their lead and do the same.

The image above can be found at: http://www.tmonews.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/laughter.gif

My Year of Hopefulness - Fear #7 of Entrepreneurship

"Starting my own business will be lonely."

Some times I wake up in a cold sweat: I'm dreaming about being at my desk, starting at my computer's blank screen with nothing to say. And no matter how hard I think about it, I have no words. I can't think of a single thing to write down. That cursor blinks and grows larger and larger at the top of an empty Word document. The fears of a writer!

Starting a business elicits the same kind of fear. When push comes to shove, it's us and our business on one side and the rest of the world on the other. We have to keep ourselves motivated to get up everyday, sit down with ourselves, and get to work. No one is giving us a to-do list or setting goals for us - it's all up to us.

We live in a privileged time - reaching out, making connections, and finding support are just a few clicks away no matter where we are. Hop on Twitter or Facebook. Join any one of the thousands of smaller social networking sites on Ning. Meet-ups are around every corner. And these are just the beginning!

Experts, supporters, partners and customers are within arms reach thanks to all of these new and free communication tools, and they want to help us. Make them a vital and vibrant part of our business, and that fear of loneliness will be a thing of the past.

My Year of Hopefulness - Fear #6 of Entrepreneurship

"Everything that goes wrong will be my fault."

Looking failure in the face is tough. When we go it alone, or even when we join a small company, there isn't anywhere to hide. We have responsibility, lots of it, and we will invariable make mistakes. And then we will have to own up to those mistake, many times on our own.

When we are #1 and only on the workforce, we then need to admit mistakes and failures to ourselves - the toughest audience out there. And it's painful, and sometimes embarrassing. We find it much easier to forgive others than to forgive ourselves. And no one holds mistakes over our heads like we do. That little voice will pop up from the back of our minds continuously to remind us of our failings and flailings. And it takes a lot of determination and effort to turn down the volume of that voice.

What we need to be mindful of is that there is a tremendous upside to responsibility. We can make changes that we feel are right and necessary. We can focus on ideas and tasks that we deem important and worthwhile. Our mistakes are ours, and our victories and wins are as well. It's taking the good with the bad, the yin with the yang. No matter whether we work for someone else or we work for ourselves - responsibility inevitably will find us. We can run but we can't hide.

If I'm going to make mistakes and own the outcomes, I'd much prefer that they be my own so that I can learn as much as possible from them. Mistakes are an investment and a sunk cost of doing business. We all make mistakes; the trick is to not make the same one twice and the best way to assure that is to make sure that I'm the one who made it and owned up to it.

The image above can be found at: http://imagecache.allposters.com/images/pic/QUOMAG/MX01~Mistakes-Esther-Dyson-Posters.jpg

My Year of Hopefulness - Fear #5 of Entrepreneurship

“I don't have enough time.”

Running a business, particularly as a side venture in addition to a day job, is time-consuming no question. There will be trade-offs. I’ve found that a good deal of organization and keeping initial goals small helps to temper this fear of not having enough time. Starting a business can be an overwhelming project, though breaking it down into small bite-sized action items makes the idea less daunting.

Here are some ideas to make the time management portion of your new business more manageable:

1.) Develop an action plan, a task list, and a timeline to stay on track with small goals

2.) Celebrate achievements small and large, especially at the very early stage of starting a business - developing the first draft of your business plan, meeting a contact that has the potential to be a partner, deciding on the name of your company, etc., launching your website. Every accomplishments is worth at least a little celebration.

3.) Get some help – could be an intern, a family member, a friend, or a potential business partner to give a few hours of their time. Sharing the load can take some of the pressure off.

4.) Fun organization tools abound at places like Target, Container Store, and Staples. Use them to keep you motivated in your quest for organization.

5.) Set a realistic time frame. There’s a lot of pressure in the world to move as fast as possible all the time. Running a business is a long-term commitment and slow, managed growth wins the race.

6.) Remember that the time will pass any way, regardless of how you spend it so why not invest in an idea that you have and see if you can make a go of it? The worst that can happen is that you’ll still have your day job, you will learn a lot about yourself and what you want out of your life, and you can always switch gears and work on a different idea if the first one doesn’t work out.

When I was in college, I was feeling overwhelmed by some paper or exam. One of my roommates gave me a very small two inch picture frame. To this day, it still sits on my desk to remind me that all I have to do at this very moment is enough work to fill that two inch frame. And once I finish with that first small task, I can move on to another. That two inch frame doesn’t reduce the amount of work I have – it just gives me a perspective that’s a little bit easier to deal with.

My Year of Hopefulness - Fear #4 of Entrepreneurship

"Someone will steal my idea."

Last night I went out with my friend, Steve, who is one of the greatest inspirations in my life. He's one of the hardest working, most courageous business people I know. He's my go-to guy when I have a new business idea and need advice. For a long time, he's been encouraging me to start my own business. I was telling him about my business idea and asked him how he decided to communicate his business plan while also protecting his idea.

"Chances are, Christa, no one is going to think your idea is worth quitting their own job over. The idea that starts a business is 10% of the work and executing it is the other 90%. It's very hard, if not impossible, to do that 90% alone."

With that kind of perspective, the fear of someone stealing my idea seems completely irrational. In addition, consider that Apple was not the first MP3 maker, Zappo' not the first on-line e-tailer to sell shoes, Google not the first search or email service. These companies redefined their playing field, largely by banking on delightful execution and maniacal focus on customers and employees. Their ideas were around long before they were ever created. They brought their own special mark to an idea; that special mark brought them success and is something that cannot be stolen.

My Year of Hopefulness - Fear #2 of entrepreneurship

"No one will want the product or service my business produces."

This is the #2 fear of entrepreneurship for me, the second in a series that I'm doing after being inspired by Gary Novosel, Founder of The Food Medic. In our interview, he gave a piece of advice that really resonated with me: if you're afraid of starting your business, write all your fears down, and then put them aside. So here we go, fear #2 - no one will want what I'm trying to sell.

Isn't that the age old story of rejection - people won't like me, I won't be good enough, or, the worst - I won't be relevant. What I say and think and do will not matter and no one will care. Ouch - painful ideas and thoughts that we work very hard to suppress, and yet at least at one moment of weakness in our lives, we've all felt them.

One of the fun things of starting a business and making a product or service is continuous improvement. The enemy of good is perfection - so don't wait perfection to get the idea out the door. If you do, that product will never see the light of day. You'll tweak and tweak and tweak, until someone else beats you to the punch and puts together a similar idea.

And what's the very worst that can happen? People won't by what we make, we'll get feedback, change the product, and try again. Not so bad, right? Or maybe it's just not reaching the right audience, or a wide enough audience. Or maybe it's an idea that just needs time in order to b adopted by the market.

I was thinking about this fear all day today, wondering how I'd write this post and put it in perspective. As I rounded the corner toward my apartment this evening, a bunch of little kids ran up to me to drag me to their lemonade / cookie stand. For $0.10 I could get my choice of a cookie or a glass of lemonade, or for $0.20 I could get both. These kids did not have one bit of fear telling me about their business and the cost of the goods they were selling. I envied them.

I walked toward my apartment, happily eating my chocolate chip cookie, and honestly, it was the best cookie I've ever had. Entrepreneurship is alive and well among kids, so couldn't we just model our own behavior after their fearlessness? It's at least worth a try.

My Year of Hopefulness - Putting fears aside

In yesterday's post, Gary Novosel of The Food Medic gave the advice that all entrepreneurs should write down all the fears about starting their own business, and then put them aside. I really took his advice to heart as I have a lot of fears about starting my own business. As I reviewed my list I realized that it's longer than I thought it was and that there are probably a lot of people who share the same fears.

To overcome fears we have to look our fears in the face and not blink. I really want to start my own venture, and the best way to answer these fears is to write them out and then write a remedy for each of them. Since these thoughts may be helpful to readers who are also interested in starting their own businesses, I wanted to write them as a series on this blog with the hope that I can replace fear with hope:

Fear #1: "I won't make enough money."

Start small and grow slowly. Whenever we begin something, we naturally wish for success in a big way. What seems more sustainable to me, and will likely generate more happiness, is a steady flame rather than a flash in the pan.

If we can keep a steady job while starting our own business on the side with our free time, that releases some financial fears. The trick is to be present at a job when we're there, and present working on our business in our own time. I hear from a lot of entrepreneurs that they are frustrated that they can't spend all their time on their business because they have to keep a day job. Finding a few nuggets of our job that inform our own business idea eases that frustration.

My friend, Dave, is interested in a portfolio approach to his career - a lot of different ventures that each earn a small amount of money and keep him interested and engaged. Entrepreneurs place a lot of pressure on themselves to earn all their income from a single business idea. That might work, or we might find that we're happy earning a portion of our total income from a business venture, at least in the beginning.

Concern about earning enough money from my business laid to rest. Fear #2 for tomorrow: "No one will want the product or service my business produces."

My Year of Hopefulness - Stage Fright

Today, the theatre group joined, Temporary Shakespeare Company, had its first performance. We did a reading of Comedy of Errors for corporate employees at my company. All morning, I was reminded of how it felt to be on stage and why I didn't pursue that avenue. I have horrible, horrible stage fright. Always. Without fail. 

Today, the stakes were even higher because I played a sorceress in front of people I work with, obviously in a very different capacity. Somehow, standing on that stage with all these other people taking the same risk made my stage fright dissipate. I didn't shake, I didn't feel sick to my stomach. We jumped off the cliff together. And the audience, our co-workers, caught us. 

And maybe that's all it takes to make us let go of our fear, whether on stage or off: a group of people willing to let go of their fear, too.

Riding Atop the Water

On a recent kayak trip in the Outer Banks of North Carolina, I went out with some friends on one of those perfect days. Days that make you happy you're alive, breathing fresh air and able to enjoy just being a part of the surroundings. All my friends had kayaks that had them seated low in the water. This allowed them to maneuver easily, though they had a fair possibility of tipping once out of the protection of the sound.

My kayak was an ocean kayak. It sits higher in the water making it a bit harder to paddle, though providing it with superior balance and a significantly smaller likelihood of tipping when the water gets rough. Since I just learned to swim this past year, choppy water makes me a little more than nervous. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that making a boat sit higher in the water made it less likely to tip even though I was having to use all the arm strength I could muster to paddle around.

In a testament to my bravery, I tried to follow my friends out of the sound. I may have had a safer kayak, though they were all better swimmers. My seasickness and general fear of death by drowning sent me back to the sound, alone, after only a few minutes out on the open water.

So I made my way, albeit slowly, down a few channels among the cattails and mangroves. I was overwhelmed by the stillness when I let my paddle lay across my lap. I could only hear the whisper of the wind in the tall grasses around me. And I felt the water lift me up.

Riding atop the water, living above the fray, takes work. Hard work - we have to paddle with all our might, with everything we have within us. We feel every bump beneath us. We sway back and forth with the water, with life, roiling underneath us. And we have to keep going. Put the paddle in the water, put our hearts on the line, and move forward with courage and confidence. There is no guarantee of preventing a tip into the water, not in a kayak, and not in life. To be sure, traveling on a higher plane is more difficult: it takes patience, time, and an understanding of the forces all around us. The prize is knowing that when the waves really kicks up, we are much more likely to keep moving ahead, toward our goal, than those sitting low in the water who are being consumed by the chaos of the seas.

Dear Terrified Adults

Dear Terrified Adults

My Uncle Tom always tells me if I’m not in debt and not afraid at least 50% of the time then I’m not doing enough with my life. Whether or not that’s true, it’s been a great comfort to me since I’ve been in debt for over a decade now, and have spent far more than 50% of that time afraid of all sorts of things.

Often what I fear and what I believe I fear are different things. I always thought I was afraid of swimming because I was afraid I’d lose control somehow and drown. I like to splash around (as long as my feet can touch the bottom) and I like being near the ocean, a lake, or a river. I’m not afraid of swimming; I’m afraid of being incapable of swimming; I’m afraid of uncertainty.

Think of all the things I can’t do because I can’t swim! 75% of the world’s surface is under water. If I never learn to swim, and never learn to scuba dive, I’ll miss out on exploring ¾ of the world. If I don’t learn to swim, I’ll never be able to do a triathlon. I’ll never learn how to surf. I’ll never get to be a trainer for a day at Sea World. In August, I decided I had to get out there and conquer this fear.

When I signed up for a beginning swimming class, I expected to meet an Olympic look-alike swim instructor who wouldn’t understand my lack of natural swimming ability. Instead, I met Karla, a woman who’s at once scrappy and incredibly supportive. She’s been teaching swimming for 50 years and proudly boasts, “I haven’t had a student fail yet.” My mother always said I was one-of-a-kind; let’s hope I don’t ruin Karla’s record. “I teach the terrified adult class, levels 1 and 2,” Karla said to me at registration. “How do I know which level I’m in?” I ask. “That all depends. How terrified are you?” “I get a little nervous in water more than 5 feet deep,” I say. “Yep, you’re a terrified adult, level 1. But don’t worry, I can fix that,” says Karla with her smiley, grandmotherly eyes. I’m to report to the AFC pool the following Wednesday, goggles and personal injury waiver in hand. “And don’t be late.”

On Wednesday, there’s a giant sign on the locker room door that reads: “Dear TERRIFIED ADULT swimmers (to be) – DO NOT SHOWER, we start swimming on dry land!?%#$!?? See you in the classroom by the pool. Karla”

I arrive at the classroom, and watch the swimmers intently. My heart’s racing. Karla’s right – I AM a terrified adult. Look at all these people, paddling along as if they were born to do this. It looks so easy for them. Why isn’t it easy for me? Why am I so scared?

At that time I didn’t realize that I had already done the scariest part of this process and I hadn’t even touched the water yet. I signed up to do something that I may very well fail at, all under the watchful eyes of dozens of other people enjoying the pool. I was risking public humiliation, failing to learn to do something that a five year old does without even thinking about it. I realized that ‘fessing up to fear is a lot harder than conquering the fear itself.

I’ve been working with Karla and six other terrified adult classmates for a few weeks now, and this past Wednesday for the first time in my life I swam properly, breast stroke, frog kick, with my head under water. I’ve graduated to what Karla calls the “moderately terrified adult class”, level 2. I took the sign off the locker room door from that first night of class and taped it up at home near my desk to remind me to face up to fear more often.

Our finest hour often comes out of moments of fear and disappointment. We’re conditioned to think that success, and doing things we’re naturally good at, brings out our best self. I disagree. Our best self comes shining through when we are most alive, and we are most alive when we have much to lose and yet we forge ahead anyway – head on into that fear and uncertainty. We emerge from the other side stronger, healthier people for having faced up to what frightens us. In the spirit of continuous (self) improvement, I’m making a pact to do things more often that scare the hell out of me.