A Charmed Life

I took my baby niece to the Magic Kingdom. To be perfectly honest, she is so gorgeous that we always get stopped by complete strangers who want to tell her how cute she is. I think she looks like me.

My sister, Weez, and I were sitting with her on the ferry boat ride over to the Magic Kingdom when, as usual, some stranger sat down next to us and told us how perfect-looking my niece is. We smiled and modestly said thank you, though we really just wanted to respond, "We know. We get that ALL the time." 

This particular woman was also very curious about us as well. Where are we from?, where do we work?, etc. I told her I live in New York City on the Upper West Side. "You do?" she responded. "Do you go to all of those fancy restaurants and have lots of friends there?" "I do," I replied. "I have a pretty spectacular life there. I'm very lucky." "You certainly are!" she cried. "Can I have that life?"

This overwhelming sense of gratitude and appreciation hit me. I really am lucky. I really do live a charmed and happy life. So why have I not been realizing that for the past few weeks? Why have I been silently worrying and fretting?

Take a look at this: http://tinyurl.com/99vpmx. It's an opinion piece from today's New York Times about happiness. Recent studies show that our situation relative to others is more concerning to us than our absolute situation. If I lose my job, and everyone else around me keeps theirs, then I feel very, very bad. But if I lose my job, and so does everyone else I know, then my general happiness really isn't effected too much. Apparently "poor me" feels far worse than "poor us." If we're all in this together, then it's really not so bad. If I'm all alone up the creek without a paddle, then it's depression city. 

So is the key to happiness not our actual situations but rather surrounding ourselves with people who think we live a charmed life, or at least a life as good as theirs? 

A Change of Scene Without Moving

I am in the midst of reading the book Wild Nights by Anne Matthews. It's about the world of New York City that emerges between dusk and dawn. Matthews isn't talking about the party-hopping nightlife, but rather the natural world that emerges when the archipelago's dominant species, people, largely take their leave. An underworld of song birds, wild animals like coyotes, bears, and deer emerge. 

I think of myself as a New York City expert - I know many of the neighborhoods like the back of my hand. I spend a lot of time walking around Manhattan Island, and unlike many Manhattan-ites I venture to the outer burroughs on a fairly regular basis. In such a small geography, I assumed I knew most of what's out there in my city. This book is opening my eyes in a whole new way, and has me planning weekend outings to parts of the city I've never even heard of, much less seen. 

All this new discovery in this book has me thinking about how to change our scene without changing our location. How can we make our space brand new, even if we've been in that space for a long time. And the same can be said for the actual housing space we live in, our jobs, our relationships. It's about developing a fresh set of eyes, a new perspective, finding new joy and gratitude in what's been right in front of us all along. A pretty decent New Year's resolution that we can all make, right 

Why I Need Christmas

I was raised a Catholic and in my teenage years my mother had a religious epiphany shortly before my father passed away. We started going to church regularly. I was never much into that crucifix that was the centerpiece of the ceremony, though I did find the rituals comforting. I can’t tell you why – I guess I was craving some sense of routine, a little less randomness in the chaos. My expectations for the mass were set. I knew when to stand, sit, and kneel. I knew when to say hi to my neighbors and when to wish them peace and when to leave them alone. I knew what to say and when to say it aloud, in unison with everyone around me. I liked the structure and knowing what came next. Order and predictability were a welcome retreat.

I don’t go to Church anymore. I believe in being my own savior, and trying to save other people when possible by sharing my own survival stories, mistakes, time, learnings, and a sprinkling of chartable giving to select organizations that I believe do good work. I find salvation on my yoga mat, or in walking through the parks that surround my neighborhood, or at my computer, writing, in museums surrounded by centuries-old art, and during performances of theatre and dance and music of which there are many in New York. My inspiration and my faith are grounded in my family and my friends whom I am so close to that they are my family.

So even though I classify as Agnostic and not Christian, I still celebrate Christmas. I sill look forward to the season and take great joy in the decorations, the carols, the traditions, and the general feeling of hope and kindness that envelops our society at this time of year. I always emerge stronger and happier and calmer on December 26th than I was on December 24th. Maybe it’s the massive amounts of pie I consume on Christmas Day, maybe it’s seeing my sister, Weez, or the Christmas cards that arrive by post and by email, the surprise and excitement on the faces of my family as they open presents I so carefully wrapped for them.

More likely though, I think it’s a renewed sense of faith. In myself, in the world. I find that at Christmas time I can give up my fate to the universe much more readily than I can at any other time of year. There are some people who are able to keep Christmas in their hearts all year-round. I can’t. I am grateful everyday for what I have, for the people in my life, for my good health and fortune. Still, I need December 25th to be reminded of goodness, to be inspired, to rekindle my creativity. And it always comes just in time, just when I need it most. Happy Christmas.

The above photo can be found at http://www.larissameek.com/wp-content/uploads/winterfantasy.jpg

A Happy Holiday Smile Box featuring Kenneth the Page

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Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

It occurred to me this holiday season that I have not written you a letter in over 20 years. As a kid, I would leave a note for you, with a glass of milk, some cookies, and some treats for your reindeer. I don't recall any gifts that I specifically asked for, though I do remember how excited I would feel going to bed on the night of December 24th. I would wake up several times during the night thinking I heard the reindeer on the roof, or jingle bells, or footsteps down stairs leaving presents under the tree. Every night in December we would call a special phone number (from our house phone - remember those?) to hear a message from you about what you were working on or where you were at that moment. I believed.

Now at 32, I don't make Christmas lists any more. I am very fortunate to be able to have the means to get what I need or want, within reason, for myself. However, I do have one request that I am hoping you can help me with that I have been having a bit of trouble getting on my own.

For the new year, I'd like to be able to capture some of that child-like wonder I had the last time I wrote to you so many years ago. I'd like to believe again - in the goodness of the world, in magic, in our ability to do anything we want with our lives. I feel like "No" is all around us. We are strangled by rules and hierarchy and people who tell us what's the "right way" or the "wrong way" to do things. It seems that we have lost our collective smile in the face of very hard times that will likely get harder.

I'm hoping you can help me be a little bit stronger, a little bit more hopeful, and a little bit more daring. Can you help me take a bit more risk, go out on a limb from time to time, and have more faith in myself and in people in general? I'd like to do my part in the coming year to generate more joy - for myself and in my community. This will take some focus on my part - even on days when I'm down, I'd like to be able to remember to count my blessing, of which there are many. And most of all, I'd like to have the courage to create the life I imagine for myself.

I know you're busy tonight, with lots of children around the world to visit. But if you find yourself with a small gap of time as you're flying over the Upper West Side of Manhattan, I'd love to have you stop in for some cookies and milk. Safe travels.  

Love,

Christa      

The photo above can be found at: http://www.treehugger.com/santa-reading283746234.gif

Celebrating "Small"

A few weeks ago I was taking the bus cross town, or at least attempting to, in the pouring rain. I was dashing down the flooded streets, chasing after the bus I needed to catch. Thankfully another person was in the same boat, or so I thought. He banged on the door of the bus to stop it. For me. And he continued on his way under a half sagging umbrella. I breathlessly thanked him. "No problem." he said.

In the late summer, I was walking a few blocks to meet my friends at the Boat Basin. A "Not in Service" bus stopped and asked me how far I had to go. He offered to take me over there. "But you're out of service," I said. "Don't worry about it," he replied, "I don't mind." He dropped me off as close to the Boat Basin as possible and didn't even ask me to swipe my Metrocard.

Today I walked outside, very early in the morning and more than a little grumpy. An older woman was struggling to scrape off the thick ice that coated her car. A stranger pulled up to the curb and offered to scrape the car for her. The woman was overwhelmed with the offer of help. I smiled and felt a little more hopeful about the world. 

I was saying good-bye and happy holidays to some of my co-workers today. And I was quite speechless to have one of them say to me, "You, Christa, were the bright spot of 2008 for me. In a year that is so challenging on every front, I am so thankful for you." I didn't even know how to respond. I never would have expected to have made any kind of impact close to that.

It's these small acts of kindness and concern that make all the difference in our existence, in our experience of life. While grand gestures are certainly well-received, I always find that it's the small and heartfelt moments that I retain and cherish most. My new year's resolution is very simple - it is to celebrate and savor these small gifts, understand how little effort it really takes to make someone else's day, and to recognize that I can create those moments for others on a continuous basis. In short, I'd like to feel more hopeful and generate more hope for others. 

Getting What You Can From What You've Got

My friend, Lon, sent me an article from the Financial Times last week regarding employee satisfaction. For most of us, we can forget it for the near-term. Either we're being let go or our friends are. Either we're dumping all of our work on the people left standing at our companies or we're the ones left standing doing the work of three other people. It doesn't feel good to be on either end of this stick. There aren't any winners in the job satisfaction game these days. 

So what are we to do? Hide under our desks or under our beds and wait for sunnier skies? It's tempting but I wouldn't recommend that. If you have your job, and even if you hate, there's a way to make the best of what you've got. My friend, Kelly, came in to town recently and I was talking to her about this subject. No matter how nutsy her job gets, she always has a positive perspective. It's a little sickening actually. She was my friend in graduate school who could listen to the most obnoxious student go on and on about nothing and be searching for what she could learn while the rest of us were banging our heads against the wall out of frustration. 

How does she do that?? How does she always see the best in her job situation, even though her company, and every company for that matter, is going through tough times? This isn't the end game for her and she knows that. Her real passion is education, but she wanted big company experience first so she could bring something to the education party that would be beneficial. Consequently, she takes in all of this good learning she has all around her, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and is able to distance herself emotionally because she knows these crazy times will inform her education career when she's ready to make that change. Brilliant, huh?

So while having a drink last night with my friend, Linda, I was talking over this POV. I'm 32 now. Where do I want to be when I'm 35 and how about when I'm 40? And if what I'm doing right now isn't what I want to be doing then, how can I utilize the experience I'm getting now to inform my future? And what other skills can I pick up from where I am right now to help me on my journey? Lord knows there is plenty to do these days at work, not enough people to do it, and plenty of room to take on more if we so desire. Perspective, and the wise advice of good friends, is worth its weight in gold. 

      

Trust and learning in a time of change

"But never forget ... our mission is to recognize contraries for what they are: first of all as contraries, but then as opposite poles of a unity." ~ Herman Hesse

There's a lot of tension flying around companies at the moment. This holiday shopping season, and the financial results it generates for companies, will lead to some potentially scary decisions in January. If you feel everyone holding their breathe until the new year, you're not alone. The pressure and fear is immense and wide-spread.

This morning, I read my Daily Good email that highlight a Harvard Business Review article about trust in a time of extreme mistrust, and leading change in a time of change - both incredibly difficult things to do and quite frankly two things that many managers are not good (although they don't always know that but their team does.) For example, some managers think they're change agents simply because they question everything. The fine line that separates change agents from managers who only ear what they want to hear is how they ask the question and what their end-goal is. A change agent wants to examine possibilities, dig in to the issue, and examine detail in an effort to fully understand the issue at hand so a collaborative solution can be found. They take a balanced approach. 

Managers who hear only what they want to hear, also ask a lot of questions but ignore any of the details of what they're asking for. These are the "I don't care what it takes, just make it happen" managers. They will steamroll over their people, squeeze change out them, and then sit back quite proud of themselves of how they've transformed the group. Unfortunately that transformation came at the group's expense, not to their benefit. And if you have one of these managers, I am very sorry. Truly. I know where you're coming from and so do most of my friends. You are in a no-win situation because there is no reasoning with that kind of manager. Your leader doesn't have balance, and without balance that person cannot lead effectively, much less mentor you.  

So what can you do? Reach out, way out, in your organization. Extend the olive branch at every turn, whether the person is in your group or not. Take this time to expand your network - you'll feel better meeting new people in your organization that may have nothing to do with your job now, but could in the future. You can find solace in partnership, strength in unity. And that solace and unity is what's going to get you through this economic bust. 

The other thing you can do is focus on the learning, not the bad behavior your fearful manager is exhibiting. Bob, one of my former bosses, gave me this counsel and I think of it all the time. He would say that no matter what happened to him in his career, good or bad, he knew it was all good learning and it made him a better person and a better manager in the end. Take this time to think about how important it is to build trust with the people you work with and for, and go out and exhibit that trust while also relying on your skills and ingenuity that will help you persevere. It's a tough road, I know, but at this point it may be the only way forward.   

The photo above can be found at: http://www.smartgivers.org/sites/623b9026-c292-4f47-9b9d-8aac6d22782d/uploads/Trust.1_2.jpg

Acronym City

Ever have a conversation with someone, in English, and then all of a sudden feel like you've stepped into a foreign land without moving from where you are? My friend, Kelly, has the wonderful quality of being friendly to EVERYONE. On occasion this will get her into trouble, like one recent night at Joshua Tree. 

She was speaking to a guy at the bar (she dubbed him "Jersey Johnny" as his two favorite subjects of conversation were himself and New Jersey) who was there with his friends, though seemed much more interested in Kelly than in his friends. To be honest, she thought he was a bit of a jerk, but given her inability to be anything but friendly, she kept talking to him. He was going on and on about another party he was supposed to go to. "So then why are you staying?" Kelly asked. He leaned over to her and quietly said, "Well, I have some IOI here and I want to see what happens." Huh? 

Kelly though that my constantly-connected life would leave me well-versed in this type of acronym speak. Nope - this is a new one for me. Jersey Johnny went on to say that he felt some of the other girls in the bar were checking him out so he wanted to see if any of them might make a move - he had Indications of Interest (IOI) from them. 

Now this story left me ROTFLOL (Rolling On The Floor, Laughing Out Loud - one of the favorite sayings of my friend, Lon) though prompted me to consider all of the ways we develop and re-develop language, and how confusion could arise by not saying exactly the words we intend. For example, Kelly could have thought Johnny meant "Internal Operating Income" or "Index of Irritation". You see how easily this whole speaking-in-acronym thing could backfire?

So how wide spread is this possible acronym confusion, and how are we supposed to sort it all out if these handy little time-savers are creeping in to pick-up lines at bars? Fear not - there is an on-line acronym dictionary with thousands of common and not-so-common acronyms. (What we might really need is an iPhone app to whip out at a moment's notice, as evidenced by Kelly's situation with Jersey Johnny.) NFW, you say? LNKO, folks. This could be MC for your social life, particularly those of you who are into OLD. I am N/J - you really cannot take these suckers out of context, lest you could end up with a BFM on your hands. 

Here are a few common acronyms whose confusion could have dire consequences:

WTF - Welcome to Finland!, Wild Turkey Federation, What The Frick (polite version)

HOTD - Hottie of the Day, Hair Of The Dog, Head Of Train Device

BFF - Best Friends Forever, Black Footed Ferret, Buffered Flip-Flop 

STD - Sexually Transmitted Disease, Save The Date, Safely Tolerated Dose 

BFD - Big Frickin' Deal (polite version), Big Fat Disclaimer, Burger Fries Drink

 

And if you're wondering "AYS?" with all these acronyms, the answer is "YBBI"! 

The image above can be found at http://quinncreative.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/acronym-soup1.gi

Grey Bracelets and David Sedaris

My friend, Liane and Steve, and I tried to go see David Sedaris at the 66th Street Barnes and Noble in Manhattan. We were stopped at the door. Why? No receipt for a book, and no bracelet. What's worse - if you had a "grey bracelet" (meaning you didn't go to the Avery Fisher Hall show of David's) you were told to go wander around the store and you would be called when you were allowed to meet David. "Don't stand by this door, grey bracelet holders. It won't help you," cried the disgruntled Barnes & Noble worker. Or maybe she was just a naturally angry woman. They have a grey bracelet, not a disease. They aren't "untouchables". Calm down, lady. And frankly, if they want to stand by the door, who are they harming? 

Hmmm....I like David Sedaris's writing, but honestly, is there any reason to treat his fans badly? Is the security detail similar to that of the Pope appropriate or necessary? Given his humble economic background, you'd think he'd have more empathy for those of us who couldn't get to his show. Maybe fame has gone to his head, or maybe he just has a real stick-in-the mud for a publicist. I'm going with the latter. I love his writing too much to think that behind those funny stories lies a guy who's too high on himself.   

I was going to drop this whole issue and not write about it. But then when I was telling a friend of mine about the event, and he said David Sedaris would probably find the whole bracelet caste system funny. So here's hoping he somehow finds this post, reads it, laughs a bit, and then changes the policy the next time he is in NYC promoting his books.