My Year of Hopefulness - Tony

“Abundance comes not from stuff. In fact, stuff is an indication of non-abundance. Abundance is in the sacred; it's in the connection of love. We will find abundance through hard times when we find each other.” ~ Rebecca Adamson

I fell in love with Tony 8 years ago at first sight. To date, it was the most immediate reaction I’ve ever had to anyone. Two and a half years later, after about 1,000 ups and downs, we parted ways romantically, not because we didn’t love each other but because Tony didn’t love himself as much as I loved him.

I rarely talk about my romantic life on this blog, mostly because I keep those relationships extremely private. This one though has taught me so much that I know will help others and so I’m taking a risk here and putting a little more of my heart into my writing than I have ever done. Tony taught me a lot, more than anyone else I've ever been in a relationship with, and these lessons should be re-told.

To date, he is the only person who sends me text messages around 4:00am exclusively. I never reach him or hear from him during the day or even at a reasonable hour in the evening. We just don’t work that way. He’s a night owl, a serious night owl. Usually I don’t get his text messages until the morning on my way to work. Last night I happened to be awake when my phone buzzed, and of course it was Tony.

“I’m still not happy in my career. The only difference is that I’m not hating me anymore…just what I let myself lose.” Now, I don’t think he’s referring to me at all when he talks about what he lost. I think he’s talking about time and effort and energy lost to a career he doesn’t like and really never wanted. He just never thought he deserved anything better. By not liking himself for so long, Tony lost a lot of his life.

I smiled when I read his message this morning. Not because Tony lost a lot of years of his life – that I will always think is tragic. I smiled because finally, finally, finally all the love I felt for him, he now has for himself, and that’s all I ever really wanted for him. He is a good, good man with a good, good heart. He’s kind and generous and brilliant. And for so many years, I wanted him to see himself the way that I saw him. No matter what I did, nothing worked. So I let him go. In the end, there was no other choice. When he looked in the mirror, he didn’t see what I saw. Now, he does.

I wrote back to him, “T – I am so happy for you. You are on the right path. And it’s never too late to make a change. Xo” I meant this – every word of it. I’d like to believe that somewhere along the line all the love I gave him helped him in his journey. I’d like to believe that me being in his life helped him flip the switch from self-loathing to self-loving. I’d always like to believe that love, when given freely and in abundance makes a difference eventually. That love, unrequited or not, is never for naught.

I thought of him all day today - of so many good times and so many not-so-good times. I thought about who I was then and what I wanted then, and how much that has changed. I thought of all the things about him that made me smile, and those things still make me smile. What's amazing about my journey with Tony, though so long ago, is that all the hurt I felt upon leaving isn't there anymore. Somehow all the hurt faded, and only the good stuff remains. Even the bad times just don't seem so bad when placed side-by-side with all the happy and wonderful times we had. I hope he feels the same way. Our hearts and memories are funny, malleable things, and for that I'm grateful.

Tony showed me how much love my heart could hold. This is a powerful lesson. As much as I fell in love with Tony, just as he was, I fell even more in love with his potential. I used to regard falling in love with potential as a waste. Today, I changed my mind on that thanks to him.

Potential might be more worthy of love than anything else. Potential is hope. Potential is something to look forward to. Potential keeps us looking up and working toward a better tomorrow, toward bettering ourselves. My love for Tony’s potential was not a waste at all; it’s a remedy that he eventually used to build a better life for himself.

He gave me so much and now I finally feel like I was able to return the favor. Even though it didn't work out for us in the long-run, I regard my time with me him as precious. I am nothing but honored and privileged to have been a small part of his healing.

The image above is not my own. I love it though, and found it here.

My Year of Hopefulness - Tacking into the Wind

My Uncle Tom talks a lot about tacking into the wind. He likes boats, or at least boat metaphors. When I graduated from college he wrote me a message on a greeting card that I still think about. "The winds are always on the side of the ablest navigator. Sail on." I still get a little emotional reading that quote.

When I graduated from college I was really afraid of my future. Or rather, I was really afraid of having no future. I'd spent my entire life in school, and I did very well on that path. Now, school was over, for now, and I was completely lost. I didn't know what I wanted to be, where I wanted to live, or how I'd survive. I knew I made it through a very tough curriculum with my sanity relatively intact, though I had no idea what I planned to do with this degree I held in my hands. It really was just a piece of paper with my name written in curly writing. I got to graduation and realized that I had spent four years just trying to get to graduation without much thought of what I'd do once I was a graduate. I did the only thing I knew how to do - I put one foot in front of the other and kept going.

Life would be terrific and easy if we just knew where we were (point A) and where we wanted to go (point B) and then just traveled in a straight line from A to B. It doesn't work that way - or at least it never has worked that way for me. I've been traveling around the country, with the extent of my belongings able to fit into a car. I've had one fantastic opportunity after another, though I never really worked to get any of them. I was always working hard to get somewhere and something else, and always ended up in a place and doing things that were so much better than what I had planned. This has always been true. I never once planned any single thing better than the world planned something else for me.

I've spent my life tacking into the wind, trying to be the best darn navigator out there. My greatest experiences have been those not found on the path from A to B, but the path from A to X to G to M to Z. I plan for B, though sometimes it never shows itself or when I get there I find it's not what I wanted after all. M looks like a much nicer place to land, at least for a while.

This is not to say that the plan doesn't matter. It plays a role. I've developed certain skills because I thought they'd help me get to B. And they were very useful for M and Z and everything in between. I try to stay as sharp as possible with my eyes and ears wide open so I can grab a hold of that next gust of wind that I need. The plan prepares me, makes me aware of my surroundings.

The treasures and pleasures in life are found along the zig-zag path we take, not in the point-to-point. I try to always remember that, especially when I'm frustrated or confused or plain lost. There is a wind that will carry us up and over and through - our only job is to make sure we recognize it when it heads our way and be ready to raise up that sail.

The photo above can be found at: http://www.discount-florida-vacations.com/images/sailboat_sunset.jpg

Keep Calm and Carry On

My friend, Monika, graciously hosts group dinners at her home; a small group of us are hoping to make this a regular event with each of us taking turns with the hosting duties. Yesterday, I went over to Monika's and we were taking turns trading stories about work when I noticed a poster she just had framed. It's reprint of a WWII British propaganda poster that reads "Keep Calm and Carry On". I figured if the British could keep their cool during such tumultuous times, I could certainly do the same. 

At the moment I am feel a fair amount of anxiety, more than I have felt in a long time. A lot to do and not enough time to do it. All day today I've been working, getting things in order, and I have been concentrating on my anxiety trying to figure out how to get it to dissipate. It really is like this knot in the very pit of my stomach, and it's casing my muscles to ache, especially in my shoulders and neck. So I sat for a few minutes on my couch, and concentrated on just breathing, just being. And remarkably I felt better despite that I hadn't gotten any further along than I was 5 minutes before.      

I realized how much time and energy I was spending being frustrated and irritated. How much effort I was putting into my disappointment. And it was clouding my ability to see this tremendous opportunity for growth and change that was being laid at my feet. Challenging situation, yes. Impossible to get through, of course not. It's a moment when I am rising to my potential and then some. And that is something to be grateful for, if only I can remember to "Keep Calm and Carry On". I just ordered my poster. Get yours at:  http://www.barterbooks.co.uk/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=32036